Life's Circles: November 2012

Katie just forwarded this to me and I can't keep it to myself - it's too good.

Drew Magary wrote a FANTASTIC article about Williams-Sonoma for Deadspin called The Hater's Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog and here are a few of my favorite tid-bits... Enjoy friends:

"I bought a Williams-Sonoma cheese grater for my mom for Christmas once because I had no idea what to get her and I was in a mall and there the grater was, just large enough to take up space under the tree and just cheap enough to let her know that I put NO thought or care into buying a gift for her. Anyway, I paid for this grater with a credit card. And when a place like Williams-Sonoma gets your credit card and thus your address, you are on the mailing list for life. Every holiday season, my mail slot gets bukkake'd with monstrous catalogs packed with shit I would never, ever buy, and the W-S catalog stands out among them.

While certain retailers like Hammacher Schlemmer are almost intentionally ludicrous ("Buy this personal hovercraft for $80,000!"), there's no wink to be found in a Williams-Sonoma catalog. The people at W-S aren't the least bit self-conscious about getting you to pay $35 for mailed gravy. So I thought I would go through this holiday season's catalog, which has spent a solid week atop my shitter, and point out some of the more ridiculous items. Because there are people out there who buy this shit. The question is ... who? And why? Let's try to figure that out now.

Williams-Sonoma says: "Ceramicist Barbara Eigen has been designing unique pieces, often inspired by nature, since 1997. Our Harvest Pumpkin Collection is a perfect example of her lifelike work. The tureen and accessories add organic whimsy to your Thanksgiving table."

Price: $40 for a set of four individual tureens

Notes from Drew: This is actually one of the more reasonably priced items in the W-S catalog, as long as you don't consider it a waste to spend $40 on four pumpkin bowls that you will use three times per decade. I used to buy terrible gifts like this for people all the time. HERE ARE YOUR PUMPKIN BOWLS! NOT BAD, EH? Because, honestly, what can you do with a pumpkin soup bowl besides put pumpkin soup in it? If you put tomato soup in it, God will murder you.

The Hater's Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Williams-Sonoma says: "Polished alderwood with 76 yards of linen twine. Made in Italy."

Price: $26

Notes from Drew: Oh, thank God! Thanksgiving was mere weeks away and I was like OH FUCK, WE'RE OUT OF TWINE. AND WE HAVE NO PLACE TO DISPENSE SAID TWINE. Sure, any asshole can go to the store and buy a roll of cooking string for half a penny and keep that twine in a drawer for the one time per year someone in the house has to tie up a raw turkey only to fail miserably and get salmonella deep inside his palms for years and years. But I want CLASSY twine, you know? I want my twine to say something about ME.

Williams-Sonoma says: "Wide platform with a slot simplifies slicing then lifting even the largest sandwiches."

Price: $19.95

Notes from Drew: ZOMG THIS SANDWICH IS SO LARGE! I can't possibly lift it using only my hands or a common spatula. If only someone out there would invent a unique tool that would allow me to lift my panini and then transfer it to a plate. I'm not just gonna pick it up myself, like a DOG. There's hot gruyere in that sandwich! It could burn.

By the way, you should know that any kitchen utensil designed specifically for one kind of food or meal is essentially useless: a panini spatula, a fondue pot, a steak tartare fork. Unless you plan on eating raclette four days a week, you don't need any of that shit.

Williams-Sonoma says: "Baked by trappist monks at a monastery in the Missouri Ozarks. Order early. Supply is limited."

Price:$39.95

Notes from Drew: Everything about that sales copy just blew my skull. There are trappist monks in the Ozarks? Do they brew artisanal meth? I don't trust fruitcake to begin with. I sure as shit am not trusting fruitcake that comes from a redneck friar. They'll swap out uppers for candied fruit. And yet, supply is limited. Apparently, the market for $40 Ozark fruitcake is ENORMOUS. White women from Bridgehampton ALL THE WAY to Westhampton rely on the monks to deliver their holiday fruitcake every year. Ina Garten's ADORABLE HUSBAND JEFFREY WHO MAKES A LOT OF MONEY loves the sight of a fine white-trash-monk fruitcake any time he comes home. TIE IT UP WITH THE TWINE!"

There's a lot more excellence where these came from... give the article a gander (click on the title at the beginning to take you directly to the link)!

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving filled with crap cranberry sauce and unnecessary ornate ceramic bowls.

For those of you who live in the St. Louis area like me, I'm about to drop some fantastic news on you:

There's now a blow-out bar in Clayton.

I'll give you a second to stop squirming with excitement...

Yes, it's true. Right by the intersection of Ladue and Hwy 170 (next to Splash - which is also amazing...) is a new hair salon that does only blow outs. Well, the word "only" is misleading. I just mean that they don't do cuts and colors.

All Images via Blown Away's Website

I went to check it out yesterday on my lunch break and was immediately obsessed. There's a "menu" of options to choose from:

Straight & Sleek, Hollywood Glam, Beachy Waves, Let's Curl Up, Pony Up, Short & Sassy

I opted for the Beachy Waves (it took the least amount of time, and I was in a hurry as I was on my lunch break - 45 minutes. Wash, dry, curl. Amazing.)

I walked in with my hair still wet from the shower and in a not-so-lovely bun... and walked out with luscious curls!

This picture was taken at 10 o'clock at night... 9 hours after I left the salon! Please excuse the lack of makeup and the ginormous chin.

They open at 7am so if you need a quick pick-me-up before work, pop in (walk-ins welcome!) and get your hair done! Treat yourself to a little luxury, and get Blown Away!