It's Been Awhile.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately... December was a disgustingly busy month for me. In a good way! Christmas with my family and friends was amazing - couldn't have asked for anything better. But I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to a gloriously empty January :)

So what are your New Years Resolutions going to be? Do you have anything in mind?

Originally mine was going to be the super lame "Lose 15 pounds by my vacation in May"... but I decided that that's just something I have to do no matter what. The Big Betsy Baxter Ball Bachelorette Birthday Bonanza event (or The 7 B Weekend) is coming up in early May in Florida, and then her wedding is in early June. After catching a glimpse of myself in the bridesmaid dresses we tried on last week I decided there's a considerable amount of work to be done. I'm like the fat ghost from Casper - ya know the live-action one with Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman? So anyway I just have to tighten up and get a few shades darker before that time comes. Just tighten up. 

Realistically my resolution should be to keep my condo cat-hair and cat-litter free and to hang up my clothes when I take them off as opposed to stacking them on top of my dresser, but who are we kidding? It's a resolution, not a magic trick. Try as I might, there will still be mass quantities of evidence of the two jerk cats everywhere, as well as clothes piled high in miscellaneous places.  I've made my peace with that.

So then I decided maybe my resolution should be to start being nicer to people. Lately I've noticed that I get annoyed with people a lot easier than I used to. I used to be a very patient and gracious person on the outside and snarky on the inside. Lately the snark has gotten the better of me and I've become a bit bitchy. Gotta lock that up - it's not cute.

So? What's yours?

Happy New Year

Save Ferris

Last night Pat and I sat bellied-up to the bar at Dubliner and recited quotes form Ferris Bueller's Day Off for about an hour. I laughed so hard my sides literally started to hurt.

Can't remember the last time that happened!

The King

Cam

Sloan

A Genius Article

Katie just forwarded this to me and I can't keep it to myself - it's too good.

Drew Magary wrote a FANTASTIC article about Williams-Sonoma for Deadspin called The Hater's Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog and here are a few of my favorite tid-bits... Enjoy friends:

"I bought a Williams-Sonoma cheese grater for my mom for Christmas once because I had no idea what to get her and I was in a mall and there the grater was, just large enough to take up space under the tree and just cheap enough to let her know that I put NO thought or care into buying a gift for her. Anyway, I paid for this grater with a credit card. And when a place like Williams-Sonoma gets your credit card and thus your address, you are on the mailing list for life. Every holiday season, my mail slot gets bukkake'd with monstrous catalogs packed with shit I would never, ever buy, and the W-S catalog stands out among them.

While certain retailers like Hammacher Schlemmer are almost intentionally ludicrous ("Buy this personal hovercraft for $80,000!"), there's no wink to be found in a Williams-Sonoma catalog. The people at W-S aren't the least bit self-conscious about getting you to pay $35 for mailed gravy. So I thought I would go through this holiday season's catalog, which has spent a solid week atop my shitter, and point out some of the more ridiculous items. Because there are people out there who buy this shit. The question is ... who? And why? Let's try to figure that out now.

Williams-Sonoma says: "Ceramicist Barbara Eigen has been designing unique pieces, often inspired by nature, since 1997. Our Harvest Pumpkin Collection is a perfect example of her lifelike work. The tureen and accessories add organic whimsy to your Thanksgiving table."

Price: $40 for a set of four individual tureens

Notes from Drew: This is actually one of the more reasonably priced items in the W-S catalog, as long as you don't consider it a waste to spend $40 on four pumpkin bowls that you will use three times per decade. I used to buy terrible gifts like this for people all the time. HERE ARE YOUR PUMPKIN BOWLS! NOT BAD, EH? Because, honestly, what can you do with a pumpkin soup bowl besides put pumpkin soup in it? If you put tomato soup in it, God will murder you.

Williams-Sonoma says: "Polished alderwood with 76 yards of linen twine. Made in Italy."

Price: $26

Notes from Drew: Oh, thank God! Thanksgiving was mere weeks away and I was like OH FUCK, WE'RE OUT OF TWINE. AND WE HAVE NO PLACE TO DISPENSE SAID TWINE. Sure, any asshole can go to the store and buy a roll of cooking string for half a penny and keep that twine in a drawer for the one time per year someone in the house has to tie up a raw turkey only to fail miserably and get salmonella deep inside his palms for years and years. But I want CLASSY twine, you know? I want my twine to say something about ME.

Williams-Sonoma says: "Wide platform with a slot simplifies slicing then lifting even the largest sandwiches."

Price: $19.95

Notes from Drew: ZOMG THIS SANDWICH IS SO LARGE! I can't possibly lift it using only my hands or a common spatula. If only someone out there would invent a unique tool that would allow me to lift my panini and then transfer it to a plate. I'm not just gonna pick it up myself, like a DOG. There's hot gruyere in that sandwich! It could burn.

By the way, you should know that any kitchen utensil designed specifically for one kind of food or meal is essentially useless: a panini spatula, a fondue pot, a steak tartare fork. Unless you plan on eating raclette four days a week, you don't need any of that shit.

Williams-Sonoma says: "Baked by trappist monks at a monastery in the Missouri Ozarks. Order early. Supply is limited."

Price:$39.95

Notes from Drew: Everything about that sales copy just blew my skull. There are trappist monks in the Ozarks? Do they brew artisanal meth? I don't trust fruitcake to begin with. I sure as shit am not trusting fruitcake that comes from a redneck friar. They'll swap out uppers for candied fruit. And yet, supply is limited. Apparently, the market for $40 Ozark fruitcake is ENORMOUS. White women from Bridgehampton ALL THE WAY to Westhampton rely on the monks to deliver their holiday fruitcake every year. Ina Garten's ADORABLE HUSBAND JEFFREY WHO MAKES A LOT OF MONEY loves the sight of a fine white-trash-monk fruitcake any time he comes home. TIE IT UP WITH THE TWINE!"

There's a lot more excellence where these came from... give the article a gander (click on the title at the beginning to take you directly to the link)!

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving filled with crap cranberry sauce and unnecessary ornate ceramic bowls. 

Blown Away

For those of you who live in the St. Louis area like me, I'm about to drop some fantastic news on you:

There's now a blow-out bar in Clayton.

I'll give you a second to stop squirming with excitement...

Yes, it's true. Right by the intersection of Ladue and Hwy 170 (next to Splash - which is also amazing...) is a new hair salon that does only blow outs. Well, the word "only" is misleading. I just mean that they don't do cuts and colors. 

All Images via Blown Away's Website

I went to check it out yesterday on my lunch break and was immediately obsessed. There's a "menu" of options to choose from:

Straight & Sleek, Hollywood Glam, Beachy Waves, Let's Curl Up, Pony Up, Short & Sassy

I opted for the Beachy Waves (it took the least amount of time, and I was in a hurry as I was on my lunch break - 45 minutes. Wash, dry, curl. Amazing.)

I walked in with my hair still wet from the shower and in a not-so-lovely bun... and walked out with luscious curls! 

This picture was taken at 10 o'clock at night... 9 hours after I left the salon! Please excuse the lack of makeup and the ginormous chin.

They open at 7am so if you need a quick pick-me-up before work, pop in (walk-ins welcome!) and get your hair done! Treat yourself to a little luxury, and get Blown Away!

How it iz

Charming

You either got it or you don't

Just My Opinioin

It is my opinion that if Adderall was an over the counter drug, this country would have its shit back together in no time.

Makes me feel like Superwoman.

Yeah boyeeeeee

Vote.

Naturally Supernatural

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The Cults

Song I've been enjoying on repeat today:

Hallow's Eve

 

Boogie Oogie Oogie

 

 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Halloween! 

Gives Me Hope

I'm not crying, you're crying.

www.givesmehope.com

Like Mmmmagic.

Things I'd do if I had magical powers:

1. Something to fix my b.s. head of hair. God and I are going to have some serious words about this if I get up there

2. Make any item of clothing I pin on Pinterest appear in my closet

3. Make Dr. Pepper have no calories

4. My cats wouldn't shed and their litter boxes would always be empty

5. I would possess the ability to wipe the memory of people after I tell a story that they didn't find funny - then I would retell it funnier

6. Flying duh

The Good Witch

Rude Awakening. Literally.

So last night I got a glass of ice water and put it on my nightstand before I went to sleep. Then I forgot about it.

Until about 3:30 a.m. when Lyla swatted it onto my face. 

It's official cat. You're a dick.

Jenna Marbles

King of Hearts

God bless my old man... he can be a grumpy old fella when he wants to, but he has to have the biggest heart of any human I've ever met. If I'm lucky enough to be at all like him when I'm a parent,  I hope I share that in common with him the most.

Couldn't Love it More

 

HoHey

Bad Company

When did I become such a bad person? This morning I told someone to go make fun of someone else so I could laugh about it. That's not cool...

Shit.

Hypnotize

Just now out of nowhere my phone started playing Hypnotize by Notorious B.I.G.

I'm sitting here clackity clacking away and I hear "Uh. Uh. Uh." coming from my phone.

Sorry surrounding cubicle dwellers. 

Not exactly sure where that came from.

Silly Things

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm willing to throw away money on 2 things:

1. Cell phones & cell phone accessories

2. Bedding

I can't explain it so don't ask. But odds are, if you go a few weeks without seeing me, the next time you bump into me I'll either have a new phone, new phone cover, or some new bedding.

Those are my things. Some women love shoes or purses... so in the grand scheme of things, my 2 obsessions aren't too terrible.

Anyway someone help me pick out my next cell phone cover:

.

or THIS one :)

All covers via Etsy

Favorite Country Song of the Moment

Whitman

"Be curious, not judgmental"

Walt Whitman

Easier said than done I'm afraid. But something to work on nonetheless.

Some Insight

Remember Britney Spears' first big hit "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)"?

Here's the music video for it in case you live under a rock and haven't heard it - pay close attention to the lyrics in the chorus:

"My loneliness is killin' me,

I must confess, I still believe

(still believe!)

When I'm not with you I lose my mind,

Give me a sign,

Hit me baby one more time".

Bernie Taupin she ain't, okay? But still. It's catchy.

Well one weekend in 8th grade, my girlfriends (who shall remain nameless as to save them from the shame) got mad at me and changed up the lyrics.

"My hatredness is killin' me,

I must confess, I hate Alli

(hate Alli!)

When I am with her I lose my mind,

Give me a sign,

I hate Alli all the time".

Now every time I hear the original version of this song, I slink down in my chair a little. 

You have my permission to laugh. 

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Not you, Britney.

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That's right.

Falling Slowly

Tiny Problem

I keep getting emailed by guys from Match who say they're super active and can't sit still and hate wasting daylight. 

Well... bad news fella. I enjoy schnoozing. Don't get me wrong, I'll go to a park on a nice day and I'm all for a (medium-length) bike ride around the neighborhood, but I don't always have to be moving.

I like the great indoors. Sue me.

Next guy who sends me an email asking if I want to meet up to "play disc golf" or to "jog around Forest Park" is getting this as a response:

no thanks

That's Not Normal

 

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Get Your Weekend Started Early.

Crank up your speakers and start dancing.

Workaholic

try 8:30

Moral Compass

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What's in a Name?

Some of these usernames on Match.com are cracking me up...

Would it be horrible of me to share a few with you guys? Just promise you won't sign on and look them up and tell them that I was making fun of them. Cuz then I'd feel bad.

-BuddyonFire

-RedMustangMan2 (I guess RedMustangMan was already taken. So he's #2.)

-SirWinksAlot86

-LuveyPackageDeal

-JauntyRob

-MyLoveDanceWithYou

There should be filters set for the level of ridiculousness of a person's username. 

Well Would Ya Look at That....

Stephen Colbert and I read the same magazines...

just kidding

Never Thought of it This Way.



truth fact

Another Direct Quote

It's a new day and that means 5 or 6 new emails from random dudes from Match.

This morning I got a good chuckle from a 33 year old fella from Mascutah, Illinois who said:

"This is the part where I'm supposed to jump through hoops and do backflips and stuff to impress you but I'm not going to. You're either interested or you're not. Write back if you are. You could start with your name..."

Oh, oh really? Listen here sour patch kid I'm the snarky cynical one in relationships and there ain't room for two. Take your negative 'tude elsewhere.

Cher

Twitch Twitch

Know what's messed up? Is that my right eye has been twitching on and off since July. I noticed last night that it hadn't done it all day and thought I had finally gotten rid of it.

Show up to work this morning and it starts all over again.

Halp.

twitch.stitch.

Yowzers

And I thought my old man was bad...

WATCH it now

Buying

pizza bffs forever

Betsy, Lacy, Amanda... explain to me how we don't have these. 

Maybe it's because there are only 4 of us and we don't like enough people to make a full pizza? 

I'm going to scour the internetz until I can find this. We'll just have an incomplete pizza and say it's because we ate the other pieces already. Which would actually be pretty accurate.

Lucy Hale

Lucy

I have a small (or giant) obsession with her right now. I want her hair. And her on-screen boyfriend.

Cool new song I heard tonight

"Showstopper" by Brandon and Leah

The Science Guy Says...



Bill Nye

Politics

People who argue about politics on Facebook (or even in person) boggle my mind. 

You're not going to change anyone's mind because you can't change their upbringing, their family, their group of friends, their jobs, their pay scale, their lifestyles... you can't change someone.

It's not like trying to convince someone that lilacs are prettier than roses. A person's political views are part of who they are as a human being.

You can shout how horrible the opposite party is at a person all day long but that doesn't change the fact that your party isn't perfect either. Neither of them are. They're both corrupt, they're all crooks and they're all out for the same thing: money.

Stop trying to convince people that your political preference is better than theirs. 

STOP.

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Just had to return a pair of Tom's at Nordstrom... Does that mean some poor child is getting their first pair of shoes snatched back from them?!

Wanna Bet?

I bet you all the money in my wallet (a solid $3.oo) that you can't roll your right foot in a clockwise motion, while drawing the number 6 in the air.

While you're drawing the 6, your foot will switch directions.

Did I win?

boom

Shakespeare

Just got this gorgeous scarf in the mail from Etsy - it's from the shop called "quotationmarks"!

so cozy

It's the softest and most beautiful white scarf I've ever owned, and then scrawled across it in beautiful handwritten script is this quote from Shakespeare's Sonnet 116:

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
      If this be error and upon me proved,
     I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

Sonnet 116

The portion in bold is what's on the scarf. I've always thought fondly of Shakespeare but didn't really fall hard for him until I took a class in college called "Shakespearean Comedies & Histories". We read As You Like It, Measure for Measure, The Merchant of Venice (which I was in the play for - as a dude - twas awesome...), A Mid-Summer Night's Dream, and all of the Henry plays. It also didn't hurt that the professor was quite dreamy and passionate about Shakespeare so it was so easy to want to learn as much as possible.

Thanks quotationmarks, for my new favorite Fall accessory!

Monday Match Update

So it's been about a month since I joined Match.com and I just thought it's about time to give everyone an update... 

I've actually met with one guy who turned out to be really fun and nice. That was a couple weeks ago and I think we'll go out again this week if things line up!

I've received 252 emails from men who want to "get to know me better". 99% of them are strangers but 2 of them were actually people I knew from high school/college but I guess they didn't know me! They sent me emails coming off as all sweet and charming but I know the real them. Sneaky snakes.

Some pretty interesting things have taken place... a 60 year old man emailed me and asked if he could take me to dinner. His profile picture was a photo of him and his daughter taken at her wedding. She's easily 10 years older than me. That email got deleted.

A weird dude emailed me and all the email said was, "Who would win between a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco?". I told Lacy about this thinking she'd laugh and be as confused as I was and she said, "Well... a taco.... you'd pick taco, right?" (This is reason 5,346,921 that I adore her.)

When I filled out my preferences, I said I was interested in men between the ages of 26 and 35. So explain to me why 47 year old men keep emailing me. And when I set up my account, they asked me to select from a group of pictures the man I was most attracted to. 

I chose this picture:

Clooney

So why do I keep getting emails from guys who look like this?

ain't gonna get it done

I know I'm not a super model but c'mon Match. Get your shit together. Don't ask questions like that unless you can somehow filter the emails I get.

So... so far it's been a little bleak. But new people join every day. I just need to be a little more proactive about it I think. 

I'll let you know how things end up on the next Match Monday Update (not necessarily next Monday).

Wish me luck. I want to look at a guy like this* someday...

in love

*Yes, I realize I just said in a round-about-way that I want to be like Miley Cyrus. Rest assured that this is not the case. I just want to be as in love as she is one day.

But so far I've been looking at the guys on Match like this...

yiiiiiiiiikes.

3 Little Kittens

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAZ LOST YOUR MITTENZ?!?"

mew.

Thompson Twins

I've been listening to this on repeat this morning for some reason:

80's music is love.

Break-In

The little building I live in got broken into last night around 1:30am and there was all sorts of commotion going on. It doesn't sound like the guy(s) got anything or even made it into anyone's actual homes but they were in the building. 

I've been watching episodes of Pretty Little Liars on Netflix at night (25 episodes in one 3-day weekend - that's gross) and it's kinda spooky. So at 1:30 when I heard what sounded like someone taking a baseball bat to our metal mailboxes, I thought I was a goner for sure.

I heard people coming out of their units and asking "What was that?" "What's going on?" and then I saw blue and red flashing lights outside... all the while I was standing quietly on my tip-toes watching through the peep hole. I ain't goin' out there. Nu-uh.

So anyway I called my mom and dad this morning to tell them all about it and to tell them what good timing it was that they had just come over and put in a chain lock on my door, and my dad suggested I call the police department to find out what happened. So at lunch, I called the non-emergency line and gave them my information, and just asked if I could have some details. She puts me on hold, and their hold song was "We Are Young" by Fun.

On a police department hold line.

"Give me a second I

I need to get my story straight

My friends are in the bathroom

Getting higher than the Empire State

My lover she's waiting for me

Just across the bar

My seats been taken by some sunglasses

Asking 'bout a scar

And I know I gave it to you months ago

I know you're trying to forget

But between the drinks and subtle things

The holes in my apologies

You know I'm trying hard to take it back

So if by the time the bar closes

And you feel like falling down

I'll carry you home

Tonight

We are young

So let's set the world on fire

We can burn brighter

Than the sun"

Seems a little... risque for a police department, no?

I'm sure they just play music from a local radio station and I just happened to catch it when that song was playing but I couldn't get over the irony. 

Anyway they don't have any details on what happened or who it was. I'm tempted to go down into the basement to see if he/she broke into anyone's storage lockers... but really... it's just my Christmas decorations down there. If homeboy really wants my 6 foot Duchess Spruce that bad he can have it.

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